You don't want to become a tiny voice in your son's head shaming him for being ways he can't avoid. And even nicey-nice criticism or reminders can come back for 20, 30, 50 years as "something is wrong with you," in the little-voices gallery. [—Sandra Dodd]
Laura Endres responded:
And, as is the case with us *right now*, it can come back much sooner and quite unexpectedly.
Long story short our youngest son when he was between the ages of 3-5 exhibited some symptoms of what looked like Asperger's. I didn't even think that until a close friend gently suggested it. Back then, I sorta went through some denial and avoidance, and then became a bit fixated on it. I wasn't willy-nilly in talking about it with others, but I did explore what the suggestions were for kids with Asperger's, and I implemented some of them. We saw a naturopath, but we didn't seek a diagnosis or label. We made some dietary changes and I changed the way I interacted with him. I changed our expectations of how he'd navigate social situations, and I was more careful in where we'd go, when, and with whom. All those things helped.
But just the other day my oldest was telling his best friend about that, and he casually asked my husband, "What was it you thought Jonathan had?" Which led to Jonathan saying, "What do you mean I HAD something?" I wasn't there to help navigate that conversation. It was news to Jonathan that we'd ever considered something to be wrong with him. There've been several questions since - What kinds of things did I do? How long was I like that? What was it called again? What do you mean I couldn't go to some places? What would I do?
It's been very upsetting, and I regret that I let it consume us for a while. Alas, I cannot go back in time. Many of the things I learned about dealing with people who are very sensitive still serve me to this day. I never expect that a kid will (or will want to) talk to me, for example. I am very respectful of their space. BUT, even though it's been a long time (12 yrs) since that original period of worry and focus, it's affecting my son's self-esteem and view of himself NOW.
Laura
One problem with labels is that human states are very often transitory. A child might have good reason to be bad tempered because of circumstances or undiscovered ailment or growth pains (literal pain in joints from quick growth, or teething, or headaches).
Kirby was explosive, when he was younger. Kirby is not a BIT explosive now. He is the most patient and clear-thinking person in the family, in frustrating situations. Partly, circumstances were frustrating for him, going from being an only child to having two younger siblings. Partly, we helped him find ways to notice and cope. We paid more attention to making sure he wasn't getting too hungry, or wasn't feeling too powerless. To say "Kirby is explosive" is false. To say I had an explosive child is true.
Our friend Lilly was so shy as a young child that even though she had seen us at several LLL meetings and played with Kirby there, for her first two visits at our house, she didn't leave her mother's lap. She wasn't a baby; she was four or so. The third time she went six feet away and played. The fourth time and forever after, her mom could leave. It was good that her mom was cool about staying. Lilly is 20 now. She is not in the least bit shy. Lilly is not a shy person. Lilly was a shy person.
The real danger is "gifted." "Gifted" is a point on a curve, and curves are not constant, nor predictable. An early reader is no more likely to become a Shakespeare professor or lawyer than an early walker is to become an olympic gold medalist. Labelling a child "gifted" is not a gift at all.
Unschooling works the same way regardless of any of those factors. If the child is allowed to sit with mom or walk across the room, read or not read without pressure or fanfare, walk or not walk as he wishes, if his environment is kept comfortable (taking his personality, fears, needs into account when arranging his comfort) and if he has the means and encouragement and time and space to explore his ever-expanding world, he will learn.
If we split the unschooling group into parents of early readers and parents of later readers, would there be an advantage to that?
While it can be reassuring for parents to know they're not the only one, labels can be limiting.
July 11, 2005
(on a forum that's gone; sorry)
The video is called "Advice for Parents of Autistic Kids," but it's what unschoolers have been doing, should be doing, with any and all of their children. This has been my point about labels. Give every child these choices and this respect, and this time and space. Let them play the way they want to.
I disagree with "self-regulation" (or any regulation), but otherwise, this advice will work with any unschooled child.
My writing/Sandra's, from a discussion about labels, and giftedness:
Mothers get attached to labels they put on their child, because that makes one "the mother of a________" and then the label is hurting more than one person.
The worst example was a few years ago, with "indigo children". From another planet, or plane, someone was sending special alien children, through chosen parents, to change the earth. So when a mother became convinced that her child was an indigo child, it was all about how special *SHE* was. And anyone who didn't believe it or SEE it was considered too inferior to be regarded, but that's okay because those indigo children were going to redeem us somehow.
That was a huge waste of time and energy, and those kids were told they could do what they wanted to, because they were so special.
That's an example, not a suggestion that it's the very same thing. There are parallels.
There are curves of learning, and nobody learns at the same rate for a lifetime. Things will flatten out at some point. And if a child has been called gifted, when the curve flattens, that's when the pressure and shaming will start, no matter how much the parents swear in advance that it won't.
Jessica Hughes, when someone was attached to the idea that her child had PDA ("Pathological Demand Avoidance Syndrome"):
One of the best pieces of advice I found here was to really choose words carefully. I can't imagine anything positive that could come from labeling a child "pathological." Synonyms include morbid, diseased, compulsive, hardened, chronic, and obsessive. To look at an 8 year old - a child with years and years of growth, change, maturation, and learning ahead - and attach the idea that *anything* about them at 8 years old is a permanent and unavoidable hardened trait is illogical and unnecessary.
(original topic was deleted, from Radical Unschooling Info)
"Giftedness"
Different Kinds of Intelligence
Condemnation—how to avoid it